


metanoia

by syiraaaaaa



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, F/M, Female Reader, based on real story with a little bit of tweaking, i dont know how to do this, im sorry, pain maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 03:53:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28629123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/syiraaaaaa/pseuds/syiraaaaaa
Summary: metanoia[meh - ta - noy - ah] • greek(n.) the journey of changingone's mind, heart, self or wayof life ; spiritual conversion.─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───“he moved on, i can rest in peace now,”“thank you,”─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 17





	metanoia

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

"kenma! grr you said you'll let me win!" the female huffed as she looked at her boyfriend with a pouty face.

they have been playing five rounds of mario cart and in every game it's always kenma who wins.

"uh yeah i was doing a little bit worse than before but you still lost.... so it's not my fault," kenma shrugged.

before y/n could say anything, kenma shoved a pocky stick in her mouth, indicating her to shut up. she frowned and ate the pocky aggressively before throwing herself on their bed. kenma shrugged and continue playing on his console.

the girl fished out her phone and started scrolling through her social media. "hey kenma?" the male hummed a 'yes?' without batting an eye to her.

"mm nothing, are you done yet? i need loveeee," she whined. kenma smiled and put down his controller then proceeds to plop down beside her, holding her tight to his chest.

_"hey, i love you,"_

_"i love you too, player two,"_

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

" **OI KOZUME KENMA!** " kenma snapped back to reality and turned his head to the doorframe. kuroo was leaning there, sighing.

"kenma, we're going to be late, let's go," kuroo said, this time calmer.

the boy looked down. he doesn't want to go. he wanted to stay in his room. in their room. he doesn't want to accept it. he doesn't want to affect the fact that she's no longer in this world. he doesn't want to accept the fact that she's gone.

"kuroo... do i have to?" he looked exasperatedly at kuroo, tears threatening to fall down.

"i'm not forcing you. but if you don't want to go, why are you already dressed up?" he then realised something.

he probably dressed up without him realising as he's too detached from reality at this moment. it feels like his body is moving on it's own.

kenma sighed and closed the hardcover journal that once belonged to her, leaving it on the bed. "let's go," kenma said in his usual tone, walking past by kuroo. kuroo eyed his best friend in pity, he felt useless at this point.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

it's suffocating.

kenma felt like he's suffocating.

the atmosphere is too suffocating.

it felt wrong.

it should be fine if y/n was around. he thought.

she is around, why does it feel like this? he thought.

that's when it hit him. y/n is here. but it was just her lifeless body. the soul in the body left a long time ago, before she went out of breath.

even when at her funeral, he forgets that she is no longer here.

the feeling of denial is what keeping him from accepting the fact that he can no longer hold her like how he used to.

"hey, i love you,"

"i love you too, player two,"

that was their last words to each other.

a wave of anxiety crushed him, was that enough for last words? should i go near and look at her one last time? was it my fault that she left?

he felt worse than before, he can't breath, he had to get away somehow.

at the end, he excused himself early.

he couldn't take it anymore. he felt like he would break any moment if he stayed longer.

back at home, he looked over y/n's leftover medicines.

_if only i found out sooner, she wouldn't end up like this._

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

it's been four months.

he can't— he can't trick his mind into telling him that she's still here anymore.

he feel like his emotions core has been crushed.

"it's like i can't feel anymore," kenma spoke to his image on the mirror. then he snickered.

he looks like a mess— no, he is a mess.

he haven't showered, he only eats pockys that were stored somewhere in the room, he only get out of bed when he needs to, the only drink he drank were the energy drinks that were stocked in his fridge.

kuroo tried to visit him so many times, but kenma doesn't even bother answering him.

as he moved his bangs out of his eyesight, he looked at the fresh scars on his arm.

he got distracted by whatever he was doing and started tracing the scars.

now that he realise, he really need to clean the dried out blood on the floor and on the bedsheet.

"hey y/n..... is it better if i join you?"

"KENMA! DON'T YOU DARE DO ANYTHING STUPID!"

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

"i'm not letting you hold this anymore and you're staying with me or your parents," kuroo sternly said as he took the blade kenma was holding.

kenma snapped back to reality when kuroo took the item from his hand.

the only thing in his mind is why does he bother so much with my life?

the older man sighed at his best friend.

"kenma please, i want to help you. i've been trying to contact you but you ignored me. i'm begging you, stop, she wouldn't like this,"

"say, kuroo. do you even understand what i'm feeling right now? do you even understand how suffocating it is to live without her? can you even understand my pain?" kenma asked, his words was laced with pain.

he's crying as he faced kuroo.

"i don't understand your pain because you never share it with me kenma, so please, let me help you," kuroo offered, smiling sadly.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

two weeks passed since kenma's attempt at suicide and he agreed to let kuroo help.

since then, he got into therapy, he thought kuroo was right, y/n would never want him to do that.

but it still pained him.

and now he's finally cleaning y/n's stuffs in what was called their room.

her journal, her camera, her old polaroids and everything.

as he was cleaning, a letter slipped through from one of her books.

on top of the letter, 'this is for kozume kenma' was written neatly on it.

"y/n's handwriting...." kenma softly spoke as he picked up the letter and examined it before opening it.

upon reading the letter, tears fell from his eyes.

once again, he felt like the darkness engulfed him as if the incident from nearly five months ago happened again.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

_reporting in, player number two!_

_hello kenma! by the time you found this is probably because i died, right? i'm sorry for leaving you behind, i couldn't take this world anymore. it's painful._

_i asked kuroo to look over you right before i left. did he look over you? if not i will haunt his carbon dioxide ass!_

_also, kenma, i want you to move on. i don't care how long you will take to move on, i will wait._

_p/s ; i love you and always will be, take care of yourself, promise!_

_from your player two,_

_y/n l/n_

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

three years passed since y/n's death and kenma is visiting her grave.

he is still continuing the therapy and is slowly but surely getting better.

"hey y/n, sorry for not visiting you the past years," he whispered, placing a bouquet of her favourite flowers on her grave.

he then laid down beside the grave.

"i was in a dark place before and if it wasn't for kuroo, i probably wouldn't be here visiting you now. y'know, i miss talking to you. but that wouldn't happen again i guess," kenma chuckled. he sat up and continued. "i am now 99% sure that i've moved on, kuroo said i should probably accept that you're now my past. heh, suddenly he's pretty good with words,"

he stood up and dusted his pants, uttering a goodbye before he left.

_"he moved on, i can rest in peace now,"_

kenma turned around, he's positive that he heard her voice.

but instead of searching for her, he just smiled to himself and said;

_"yeah, thank you, y/n."_

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

**Author's Note:**

> i dont know why i wrote this


End file.
